I’m passionate about the rights of same-sex couples to marry! Here’s a column I wrote in December 2007 — but it’s doubly important now. Please look into your heart and vote NO on Amendment 2.

Last week, sponsors of a proposal to ban gay marriage in Florida announced that they’ve secured enough signatures to put the question to voters on the 2008 ballot.

Don’t you think the next item on the agenda will be to define precisely who and what qualifies as a “man” or “woman?” Because, after all, once a law exists, someone has to enforce it, and to do that you have to define its components. There’s so much variation in chromosomal make-ups, just how in the heck do they plan on preventing intragender marriage?

I mean, really, with all the mustaches darkening the upper lips of women and all those man-breasts flopping around under golf shirts – just who among us is really “all man” or “all woman?”

I like to think I’m all woman, but what if the Gender Nazis find out about my manly penchants for driving fast, cursing for effect, and refusing to stop and ask for directions? Will I still be allowed to say ‘I do?’”

Will the Marriage Police strip me of my right to (re)marry if they uncover my dirty, non-girlie-girl secrets — that I’m a hapless cook, hate to shop for clothes, and dislike talking on the phone for hours on end? How much of a woman can I be?!

It’s of no interest to me what consenting adults do to and with each other in bed, and I absolutely support the rights of men and women to marry other consenting adults – same sex or not – as they choose. What’s there to be afraid of? I haven’t met a gay person yet who was responsible for the downfall of civilization. Shows like Desperate Housewives, on the other hand, are doing a pretty good job in that department, though, if you ask me.

There are plenty of married heterosexuals who don’t behave “morally” enough to be married, in my opinion. If they did, then why are so many married men asking out single women in this town? And a couple of male readers have told me they get hit on frequently by married Sarasota women, as well. Married heteros abuse, beat, and kill their spouses and kids at a rate that, if I were a betting woman, I’d lay down good cash exceeds that of gay couples.

C’mon, who are we kidding with this morality question?

If morality is the issue, I’d rather see a law that makes it illegal – or at least awfully hard — for all the liars, extreme pouters, porn addicts, gold diggers, naggers, manipulators, withholders, and cheaters, to get married.

Instead of placing a premium on gender, what if our country’s criteria for marriage were instead based on whether or not the prospective bride and groom exhibited truly moral behavior toward one another? Behavior such as kindness, compassion, respect, and hefty doses of good will and easy laughter.

Wouldn’t marriages be a helluva lot more “moral” if we all just behaved really well — day in and day out — toward the people we signed on to love, honor, and cherish?

How about a constitutional amendment for that?