As most of you know, Governor Crist received some amendments along with the health care bill he received on June 7th. The amendments have people referring to the bill as the “Abortion Bill” and essentially would require that women who want an abortion during their first trimester of pregnancy be required to pay for, have, and look at — or hear a real-time description of –a live ultrasound image of the embryo or fetus inside her womb, before having an abortion.
But what hasn’t been reported in most mainstream media is that an amendment to those amendments was received late last night in the Guv’s office. Thus this breaking (balls) news:
The revised amendments, require — essentially — that all men — seconds before they put their penis inside any women’s vagina (doesn’t count if it’s a man they’re schtupping or if it’s oral sex, for um, obvious reasons you should have learned about in grade school) be required to view pictures of used baby diapers, as well as happy smiling babies, listen to soundtracks of screaming, as well as cooing, babies, and sign a contract stating that they will a) pay for the pregnancy tests if the women freaks out because her period is late while offering calm reassurance that it will most assuredly be negative because he was, um “really careful”; b) pay for the ultrasound if the woman they’re knocking boots with gets knocked up; c) pay for the abortion if there is one; and d) pay 50% of all costs incurred in bearing, birthing, taking sick days or maternity leave not paid for by employers (because most of them don’t anymore), as well as pay for child care for working mothers, and half of all costs of raising the kid up through and including four years of college.
Sources in Tallahassee (I drove up there when I heard of this new development so I could get a first-hand report on the situation) told me that the bill is now being referred to as the Stop Look Listen & Sign Before You Fornicate Bill, though others, for simplicity’s sake, are just calling it the Pre-Sex Bill.
Over coffee this morning, most experts around the capitol were saying there’s little chance that Crist will oppose the bill now that it carries this new, clarifying language — since everyone knows men already desperately desire to be more fully informed in the moments just before they get their rocks off and have been searching for years for ways in which they could more wholly participate, emotionally and financially, in every precious post-coital moment that follows — from the seconds-later “Baby, you were great” whispers to the weeks later “Crap, my period’s late” screams.
In an unexpected and somewhat odd turn of events, John Edwards reportedly has already called Crist, urging the Florida governor to ink his approval on the new bill good and fast, saying “I wish this kind of legislation had been in effect when I was running for President — it would have been a game-changer!”
House Republicans held a press conference this morning stating their unified objection to the revised bill saying it “just isn’t fair!” Many said that such stringent requirements would unnecessarily cause men to have to make informed decisions before “dipping their swords” (I’m quoting here) and, as one House Republican said, “What good would that do any of us?”
Others pointed out that the Think Before You Sink bill (as some of the randier Republicans were calling it) would be unconscionably emotionally unfair to men, not to mention potentially create a severe financial hardship for them in both short and long term.
One Republican lawmaker speaking only on the condition of anonymity because as he said, “I wouldn’t want people to think I could have this problem,” pointed out that forcing men to see pictures of babies, even happy ones, “or God forbid, dirty diapers”, could also have the emotionally devastating effect of causing men to “lose their woodies” at the very moments when they need them most.
Crist has until June 22 to weigh the pros and cons of all the amendments included in the health care bill and in a leaked memo he indicated that he plans to give the issue his full attention in between his appointments at the tanning salon.