Finley Peter Dunne is the one who gets the attribution for the phrase “Trust everyone, but cut the cards.” But it’s an axiom I’ve adopted for myself for a long time now. I’ve just always added the “yourself” part to further clarify that the only trust that matters is the trust you have in yourself.
Ergo, have friends, be happy, fall in love, take that job … but don’t let anybody else cut the cards you’ll be playing with. Or else — in all likelihood, and all evidence supports — you’ll be short a few cards when you need them most.
People play to win. They protect themselves at all costs to get what they want when they want it. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing — as long as they’re honest about their pursuits and interests — but am most definitely saying understanding that truth should change the way we think and talk and act about trust and love and faith, in our families, our lovers, our friends, our elected officials.
And, in light of all the crap that passes for human interaction these days — name calling at the highest levels of government, people like Glenn Beck being given a platform — and the idiocy of the unthinking yokels who actually give him the time of day, Tiger Woods, JNadel, Madoff, even our own local Kathy Dent who couldn’t be bothered to audit properly, and yes, maybe even our own president and his minions who while they may have accomplished a great thing with health care reform, their behind-the-scenes turning of the screws didn’t exactly leave those of us who care about ends and their means with a happy afterglow — I’m fairly certain, in fact, I’m precisely certain, that while I may keep my cards on the table, while I may stay in the game … nobody’s every going to be cutting or dealing the cards of my life but me.
When Sandra Bullock stood up and gave her Academy award acceptance speech and ended it by giving props to her husband Jesse for “having my back” — sheesh, I almost faltered for a second. I almost thought, hey, maybe it is possible to find someone who will have your back unequivocally and in a stand-up, rock-solid way. She didn’t say he was her savior, or the love of her life or any bullshit like that. She just said he had her back. That simple. And that important. To know that come hell or high water, the person you sleep with is going to be careful and protective with your heart and your life, even if it costs them something in the process.
Well, by all appearances, looks like Sandra was wrong. He didn’t have her back at all … in fact, he was busy getting in back with another woman, possibly more than one. I have no problem with the guy if he wants to get laid elsewhere — but be a man and tell your wife first, so she can have the opportunity to protect herself and/or get out. Or at the very least, have the cajones to tell her what’s happened within hours of it happening. Don’t wait until she’s reached the pinnacle of professional success to let her learn about your dirty deeds done dirt cheap.
The thing about having someone’s back is that it’s not about love and promises and weddings and pre-nups. It’s about 100%, 24/7/365 — never, ever — screwing that person over. You don’t have to love them eternally. You don’t have to fake orgasms. You don’t have to lie to get them to do something you want them to do, or cover up something you want to do but think they won’t approve of.
You just have to be honest. Every time. Ahead of time. Behind time. All the time.