Heads up

But, HELLO!!? Can we please eat with our heads up?

I'm not asking for much, I don't think. Honestly, isn't this, shouldn't this, be Dining Ensemble 101?

One does NOT ever, ever, ever, lower one's head to greet one's eating utensil. The eating utensil -- an inanimate object as it is -- is "lower" on the food chain than the human, and therefore, must, always, and forever, be raised to one's mouth. It comes to you, naturellement, which, by the way, you should be situated at a seated, erect (but relaxed) stance, with shoulders square, body ever so slightly inclined forward is absolutely fine.

I'm not obsessed with manners. Okay, well, yes, dammit, I am. I know that. But, I don't think the manners I'm obsessed with are so outrageous. (Mine are horrendous, I'm absolutely sure -- but I can't see myself, now, can I? So if you see me out and about committing flagrant acts of dining disobedience, waste no time in chastising me!)

Do I even have to say this -- that while actually engaged in eating, no elbows should ever rest on the table? (While enjoying an aperitif or dessert, lingering over coffee, or flirtatiously angling for a mid-dinner kiss, are other matters altogether.)

Do I have to say, that under no circumstances, ever, ever, ever, should one's finger be inserted into one's mouth to remove God knows what from between one's teeth? The horror. The horror. (And if you don't get that reference, I sentence you to not one, but two viewings of Apocalypse Now Redux!)

Do I have to, really, remind anyone that a reach beyond one's table setting is absolutely verboten?

And, do I have to say, that one does not, must not, under any circumstances, ever, eat even one morsel of food before the host and/or guest of honor, or last person served, has done so or is about to do so?

Yes, yes, yes, I know, this column reveals me to be as much an anachronism as a man who still insists on standing when a woman approaches the table.

Moving beyond the diners, what about the service? I can barely get into the ghastly manners at local restaurants. Servers picking up and setting down from either side willy nilly. Servers asking you if you're ready to order when the menus haven't even been picked up yet, or worse, asking you if you're ready to order while you're still actually holding a menu in your hands!

Servers asking -- actually asking! -- can I take/clear that for you? Reaching in nearly halfway to your plate, leaving you almost compelled to mutter, um, oh, sure. If you have to ASK, it means the diner is not yet finished. Diners are pretty well-schooled in the discreet fork and knife across the plate message -- why aren't the servers waiting for that? (I hate to think what's probably the truth -- they're trying to rush you out so they can fill the table with new guests.)

I haven't been to a restaurant for over a year that supplied a black napkin to a woman wearing a black dress or black dinner pants. White napkins they put down and white napkins we must use! If one dares to ask for black (and one shouldn't really even have to ask), the response is always the same no matter what restaurant -- "We've just run out."

To which, by way of reply, if we had any dining cajones, we would do the same. :)

Postscript: Okay, so I'm exaggerating slightly (only slightly, though, I say) -- I am, after all, in the midst of watching Howard's End and anything by EM Forster is bound to bring out the manners police in anyone! I stand by the whole bending or hunching one's head or body toward a fork thing, however -- it's just wrong!